Thursday, October 31, 2002
Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NOTE: This story ran in daily installments on the Inside Carolina (free) basketball message boards at insidecarolina.com, from October through early November, 2002. This story is a parody. It is not intended as a truthful representation of anyone or anything associated with the Duke basketball program. It is entirely fictional and is intended only for the amusement of Carolina fans, other rivals of Duke.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 16
WOJO: When you said "walk me home" I didn’t realize you meant your tent.
KIKI: Yeah, I have tent duty again tonight. One of my tent mates is recovering from a botox mishap and so I’m doing a double shift.
WOJO: I don’t think you really need to tent to get into the Stetson game.
KIKI: Still, better to be on the safe side. Won’t you come in for a nightcap?
WOJO: Into your tent?
KIKI: Sure. I’ve got a refrigerator and a CD player. I make a mean spritzer.
WOJO: OK. But I’m trying to cut down on the drinking. Coach says it dulls the senses.
KIKI: Exactly. I’m having two.
[They crawl into the tent]
KIKI: Why don’t you put on some music.
[Wojo thumbs through CDs]
WOJO: How about ‘Best of Ace of Base’? I like the classic stuff.
KIKI: Me too. I’m so glad you walked me home. Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable?
WOJO: OK, but what could be more comfortable than a Prada top?
[Kiki disappears into sleeping bag; fumbles around inside; and emerges wearing nothing but an oversized “FUBU” t-shirt]
WOJO: Um … that does look comfortable.
KIKI: On second thought, it’s a little warm.
[Kiki removes the t-shirt]
WOJO: [emits guttural sound; coughs] Whoa. I mean … whoa.
KIKI: You look a little warm too.
WOJO: Uuuuhhhh …aaaaahhhh … gurgle …
COACH K (from outside tent): Wojo! Wojo you [bleep]! Which one of these [bleeping] tents are you in? Get the [bleep] out here, you little [bleep].
WOJO (whispering): Omigod, it’s Coach.
KIKI: How did he find you?
WOJO: Chris and I wear electronic tags so he can find us whenever he needs to. You better get your clothes on. …
KIKI: Darn it all to heck.
[Wojo exits tent.]
COACH K: There you are. What the [bleep] are you doing in there? Never [bleeping] mind. I don’t want to know. Get back to the lair, get on the internet, and get to work on Project Mind[bleep].
WOJO: Sshhh! Coach. There’s someone in the tent who can hear you.
COACH K (whispering): Is it a she?
WOJO: Yes!
COACH K: Can she be trusted?
WOJO: Absolutely. She’s on the Crazies Executive Council.
COACH K: Bring her along. I have an idea.
[In the plush basketball offices, Cameron. Wojo sits down at a large computer bank. K strokes a fluffy white cat as he takes Kiki on a tour.]
COACH K: Kiki, we call this the lair. Not many people are allowed to see what goes on in here. This is the master control panel. From here we monitor electronically every [bleeping] sportswriter, sportscaster, and basketball related internet site in the world.
KIKI: [bleep]!
COACH K: Kiki, don’t swear. It isn’t ladylike. We use these connections not for evil, but for good – in other [bleeping] words, to protect the interests of Duke basketball. Will you help us, Kiki?
KIKI: Me?
COACH K: Wojo tells me that you are an up and coming Crazy. You’re on the Executive Council, right?
KIKI: Right.
COACH K: You are the kind of face we want to put on Duke basketball. Have you ever been interviewed on TV? Or the radio?
KIKI: No.
COACH K: I want to talk to you. Come into my inner sanctum.
KIKI: Your what?!!! Coach, you’re married!!!
COACH K: My office.
KIKI: Oh. OK.
[Wojo rises from his terminal to follow them.]
COACH K: Sit the [bleep] back down and get to [bleeping] work, you [bleep][bleep]!
Tomorrow: A special double episode -- the morning after
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PART 17
[9:00 am, the morning after the game, back in Kville. Kiki, on her cell phone, in her tent.]
KIKI: Yes Mom. … Yes, I’m studying. …No, it’s not cold. … I have to be in the tent in order to get into the game … Yes, I will … No, we don’t need any batteries. The whole place is wired. We even have internet connections! … Food is delivered right to my tent. And tonight the Goo Goo Dolls are playing right here, on the tennis courts. … Yeah, we all chipped in. … I never knew camping could be like this! …
VANESSA (from outside tent): Kiki? Are you in there?
KIKI (to Vanessa): C’mon in. I’m on the phone.
KIKI: What Mom? She’s gonna be here? … When?. … No! … Well I … All right … Bye-bye.
[Kiki hangs up]
VANESSA: Hey, what was that?
KIKI: My mother. Telling me that my cousin is in Durham today, and that I need to get her into the game tomorrow night.
VANESSA: Cousin?
KIKI: Yeah, from Kansas. She travels the country with performing group called ‘Up With Farmers.’ It’s a spinoff of Farm Aid. Sort of a cross between a Britney Spears show and Hee Haw. Up With Farmers was in Chapel Hill yesterday, and Durham today and tomorrow.
VANESSA: We oughtta be able to get her into tommorrow’s game. It’s only Stetson.
KIKI: Yeah.
VANESSA: What’s the matter?
KIKI: It’s just that she can be very … Kansan. She went to KU.
VANESSA: What do you mean … Kansan?
KIKI: For one thing, she’s like a super God person. And … I don’t know … she’s just … odd. Like, for example, last time her family was over at our house, they insisted on watching that show where Billy Ray Cyrus plays a doctor. They love that show.
VANESSA: That show gives me nightmares. Something about a doctor with a mullet …
KIKI: Yeah. My cousin is frightening in just that sort of way. She hunts, bow-hunts. She can bag her limit with a bow and arrow. She can skin a cougar in the dark.
VANESSA: Eeww. What’s her name?
KIKI: Ethylene.
VANESSA: Oh, how sad for her. Sounds like an industrial solvent.
KIKI: It is. We use it at my Dad’s company. That’s where my uncle Ed got the idea for her name.
VANESSA: Well, enough about your cousin. Tell me about last night. Did you and Wojo … you know?
KIKI: Not much to tell. We came back here to the tent. He seemed a little nervous, but things were moving along until …
VANESSA: Until …?
KIKI: Until we got interrupted by Coach K, who needed to speak with Wojo about an important matter.
VANESSA: Omigod! That is like totally embarrassing! What could be so important at that hour?
[Kiki looks away nervously.]
KIKI: I don’t know. Something important.
VANESSA: And you weren’t p.o.’d?
KIKI: Not at all. I like having an important, powerful man in my life.
VANESSA: Yeah, I hear that. Listen, I came to talk to you about something else. Something big. Our tent has an opening.
KIKI: Well of course it does, silly. Otherwise, how would you be able to get in an out of it?
VANESSA: No, I mean our tenting GROUP has an opening.
KIKI: Why? What happened?
VANESSA: Amber had to leave school.
KIKI: Amber the model from Scotch Plains or Amber the slut from Hoboken?
VANESSA: No. Amber the pre-law from Nutley.
KIKI: Rehab?
VANESSA: No.
KIKI: Pregnant?
VANESSA: No.
KIKI: Implant surgery?
VANESSA: No.
KIKI: Bulimic? Anorexic?
VANESSA: No and no.
KIKI: Sexual addiction?
VANESSA: No! Stop guessing! Her folks own this big natural remedies and health food chain. And it turns out some of their help embezzled all their savings and cash, including Amber’s trust fund.
KIKI: “Help”? You mean, like one of the maids?
VANESSA: No, more like one of the accountants.
KIKI: Wow. But her tuition is paid, right? So why leave?
VANESSA: It was her sorority. Soon as they found out she might no longer be rich, they kicked her out. So she figured, what’s the point? She went back home.
KIKI: Wow, too bad.
VANESSA: Too bad for her, but good for you. That means there’s an opening in our tent. How’d you like to join us?
KIKI: Really?
-----------------------------------
PART 18
VANESSA: C’mon, Kiki. Come join our tent. We’re a good group. None of us ever miss a tent check. No botox mishaps or any of that stuff. The closest we came to that sort of thing was when Stacey fell asleep in her tanning bed. Thank God the tent check guy found her. Saved her life. … They’re dating now.
KIKI: You have a tanning bed in your tent?
VANESSA: Of course. Wake up Kiki. Your tent is, like, the tenement of Kville.
KIKI: That’s cold Vanessa.
VANESSA: By the way, speaking of the botox thing, how is Tiffany?
KIKI: They discharged her early this morning, but she’s confined to her bed for a few days. Unfortunately, she’ll need an operation to remove the smile.
VANESSA: How awful. I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about botox for several more years.
KIKI: Me too.
VANESSA: So what do you say?
KIKI: I’m not sure. This tent is mostly my sorority sisters. I can’t abandon them. On the other hand, it would be nice to have a more reliable tent.
VANESSA: The tenting experience is really the most important part of college. You’ll spend a lot more time in your tent than you will in class.
KIKI: Is it true that you have a royal in your tent?
VANESSA: Yeah. Priscilla Henson. She’s in the Swedish royal family. Her 2d cousin is the grand nephew of King Gustav. Developing those kinds of connections is what Duke’s all about.
KIKI: Still, I’m not sure …
VANESSA: Kiki, think about it for a minute … What’s your Dad’s company’s best selling product?
KIKI: That would be our new perfume, “Phrenzy.” It’s 94.4 percent pheromones.
VANESSA: OK. Let’s say it’s ten years from now and your Dad’s cosmetics company wants to sell Phrenzy in the Swedish market. Don’t you think your relationship with Priscilla could be just the sort of connection that could make that happen?
KIKI: Good point Vanessa. I have to think about my family’s best interests.
[pause]
KIKI: OK, I’ll do it.
VANESSA: Great. I’ll draw up a contract.
[Cell phone beeps to tune of ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’]
KIKI: Hello? … OK, great. Yeah, I’ll be right over. …
[hangs up]
KIKI: Listen, Vanessa, I’ve gotta go. There’s an Executive Council meeting of the Crazies and I have to be there. Do you think Chip would be able to pick up my cousin and bring her over here? She’s at the Motor Lodge on 15-501. Wait -- is Chip even conscious?
VANESSA: I’ll get him to do it. He owes me one.
[At the executive council meeting, in the Cameron lobby]
JUSTIN: Thanks everyone for coming. As chair of the council I hereby call this meeting to order. It’ll be a short one--only two agenda items. First, Coach K loved your new cheers yesterday. Anything that mentions the fist, or “leading with heart,” or gets Vitale to mention K’s book, is good – good for K and good for Duke. For this week you need to remember that one of Stetson’s players was pulled over for a DUI last week. Remember to use that in a cheer. BUT, even more importantly, remember to stop the cheer the instant that K tells you to. That is crucial. Got it? Good. Second, Kiki has something she wants to say. Kiki?
KIKI: Thanks Justin. As you all know, recruits read the internet. As Crazies, we have to be sure that Duke basketball is properly represented on the internet. Since know one reads DBR anymore, it’s all the more important that Duke’s interests be properly represented on other internet sites. We want each council member to get 10 friends to register at the internet sites listed on this sheets I’m passing out. Each of you has a different group of sites.
JUSTIN: This comes from the top, people. The Top.
KIKI: Get your friends on these sites at least an hour a day. Look out for Duke in whatever way seems to work. Be creative. Remember. It helps us not only if Duke looks good, but also if other programs look bad. Got it? Good. Question?
COUNCIL MEMBER: I’m all for working hard and playing hard and everything. But this is a university, after all. We are here for an education, first and foremost. Do you really think that we’ll be able to find ten people who are willing to take an hour out of each day just to help the basketball program?
[pregnant pause, followed by loud laughter and scattered applause]
KIKI: Good one.
[cell phone beeps – ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’]
KIKI: Hello? Yes … right … Bob Harris? … I’ll totally be there.
Tomorrow: Meet Kiki’s cousin
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PART 19
[Chip and Kiki’s cousin, Ethylene, in Chip’s Toyota Tercel.]
CHIP: So Ethylene, you’ve come on an exciting day. Kiki’s gonna be interviewed on the Duke basketball radio program. We should make it back in time to hear it.
ETHYLENE: Oh. Good for her.
CHIP: So Kiki tells me you’re in show business.
ETHYLENE: Yes, I sing in a traveling show – ‘Up With Farmers’. Ever hear of it?
CHIP: No.
[silence]
CHIP: And you’re a college basketball fan?
ETHYLENE: A KU fan. Of course, that’s really the same thing, isn’t it? I know you have a nice little program here and all, but you have to realize that KU basketball is the most prestigious program in all of sports. No offense Chip, but Coach Roy says Kansas is the birthplace of college basketball. After all, it is OUR game. You probably didn't know that the game was invented in Lawrence.
CHIP: Well, not exactly …
ETHYLENE: You can look it up Chip. Dr. James Nesmith invented basketball in Lawrence. He was the great grandfather of one of the Monkees – yeah, same guy. Anyway, Nesmith wove the first basket out of Kansas corn stalks and made the first ball from a dead jayhawk stuffed with rock chalk. And Nesmith taught the game to Phog Allen – KU coach – who in turn taught it to Roy Williams – KU coach. So you see, the rest are mere pretenders.
CHIP: … OK … Well, KU is a good program, no doubt about that. I loved the way Roy embarrassed Carolina on that job thing a few years ago. That was sweet!
ETHYLENE: Roy did no such thing! How dare you! Except for Jesus, Coach Roy is the most honest person I’ve ever known. As sure as Moses parted the Red Sea, Roy Williams never once said he wanted the Carolina job. It was cruel and heartless of those people to even offer it to him. Darn it all to heck! … Now see what you made me do? … I blasphemed!
CHIP: Against Roy?
ETHYLENE: No! Against God. I said ‘darn it all to heck’! Oh! I said it again!
CHIP: I didn’t mean to make you cry. I was trying to compliment Roy.
ETHYLENE: I’m sorry. [sniff] It’s just that Coach Roy is so selfless and gosh darn pure. … I just can’t stand it when you evildoers criticize him. …[sniff] But instead of getting angry, I should just pray for you Chip.
CHIP: Um, thanks, I guess.
[awkward silence]
CHIP: On a brighter note, we should be able to get you into the Duke game tomorrow. You’ll love the atmosphere in Cameron.
ETHYLENE: I doubt it. We have Allen Field House. Cameron pales in comparison.
CHIP: Have you ever been to Cameron?
ETHYLENE: No.
[silence]
CHIP: Maybe we should talk about something else. I hear you grew up on a farm. So did I.
ETHYLENE: Oh really Chip? What did you grow?
CHIP: Tobacco.
ETHYLENE: I see.
[Ethylene frowns; long, awkward silence]
ETHYLENE: We grow soybeans. Or did.
CHIP: Oh, did you lose the farm?
ETHYLENE: No, no. It’s been very, very profitable for my family. It’s just that we don’t grow anything. We just collect government subsidies.
CHIP: Sweet.
ETHYLENE: Don’t judge us Chip.
CHIP: I wasn’t …
ETHYLENE: We’re not just a bunch of hicks! You may only know Kansas as the home of the World’s Largest Ball of Twine. But we’re hard-working, honest, god-fearing, freckle-faced people of the land. I remember my dad used to say, "You will never see Ed Crud contributing to that big ball of twine. Waste of good twine."
CHIP: Your last name is Crud?
ETHYLENE: Uh-huh.
CHIP: Ethylene Crud?
ETHYLENE: Yes.
CHIP: What about the rest of your family?
ETHYLENE: There's my dad--Ed Crud, my Mom--Dot Crud, my brother—Jed Crud, and me. And the three cats – Jeepers, Cheese, and Crackers Crud. Oh, and our two a s s e s, Nino and Enfuego Crud.
CHIP: A s s e s?
ETHYLENE: Yeah, you know, donkeys.
CHIP: OK, here we are, at the radio station.
Tomorrow: Kiki on the radio
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Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NewOldGuy
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NOTE: This story ran in daily installments on the Inside Carolina (free) basketball message boards at insidecarolina.com, from October through early November, 2002. This story is a parody. It is not intended as a truthful representation of anyone or anything associated with the Duke basketball program. It is entirely fictional and is intended only for the amusement of Carolina fans, other rivals of Duke.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 16
WOJO: When you said "walk me home" I didn’t realize you meant your tent.
KIKI: Yeah, I have tent duty again tonight. One of my tent mates is recovering from a botox mishap and so I’m doing a double shift.
WOJO: I don’t think you really need to tent to get into the Stetson game.
KIKI: Still, better to be on the safe side. Won’t you come in for a nightcap?
WOJO: Into your tent?
KIKI: Sure. I’ve got a refrigerator and a CD player. I make a mean spritzer.
WOJO: OK. But I’m trying to cut down on the drinking. Coach says it dulls the senses.
KIKI: Exactly. I’m having two.
[They crawl into the tent]
KIKI: Why don’t you put on some music.
[Wojo thumbs through CDs]
WOJO: How about ‘Best of Ace of Base’? I like the classic stuff.
KIKI: Me too. I’m so glad you walked me home. Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable?
WOJO: OK, but what could be more comfortable than a Prada top?
[Kiki disappears into sleeping bag; fumbles around inside; and emerges wearing nothing but an oversized “FUBU” t-shirt]
WOJO: Um … that does look comfortable.
KIKI: On second thought, it’s a little warm.
[Kiki removes the t-shirt]
WOJO: [emits guttural sound; coughs] Whoa. I mean … whoa.
KIKI: You look a little warm too.
WOJO: Uuuuhhhh …aaaaahhhh … gurgle …
COACH K (from outside tent): Wojo! Wojo you [bleep]! Which one of these [bleeping] tents are you in? Get the [bleep] out here, you little [bleep].
WOJO (whispering): Omigod, it’s Coach.
KIKI: How did he find you?
WOJO: Chris and I wear electronic tags so he can find us whenever he needs to. You better get your clothes on. …
KIKI: Darn it all to heck.
[Wojo exits tent.]
COACH K: There you are. What the [bleep] are you doing in there? Never [bleeping] mind. I don’t want to know. Get back to the lair, get on the internet, and get to work on Project Mind[bleep].
WOJO: Sshhh! Coach. There’s someone in the tent who can hear you.
COACH K (whispering): Is it a she?
WOJO: Yes!
COACH K: Can she be trusted?
WOJO: Absolutely. She’s on the Crazies Executive Council.
COACH K: Bring her along. I have an idea.
[In the plush basketball offices, Cameron. Wojo sits down at a large computer bank. K strokes a fluffy white cat as he takes Kiki on a tour.]
COACH K: Kiki, we call this the lair. Not many people are allowed to see what goes on in here. This is the master control panel. From here we monitor electronically every [bleeping] sportswriter, sportscaster, and basketball related internet site in the world.
KIKI: [bleep]!
COACH K: Kiki, don’t swear. It isn’t ladylike. We use these connections not for evil, but for good – in other [bleeping] words, to protect the interests of Duke basketball. Will you help us, Kiki?
KIKI: Me?
COACH K: Wojo tells me that you are an up and coming Crazy. You’re on the Executive Council, right?
KIKI: Right.
COACH K: You are the kind of face we want to put on Duke basketball. Have you ever been interviewed on TV? Or the radio?
KIKI: No.
COACH K: I want to talk to you. Come into my inner sanctum.
KIKI: Your what?!!! Coach, you’re married!!!
COACH K: My office.
KIKI: Oh. OK.
[Wojo rises from his terminal to follow them.]
COACH K: Sit the [bleep] back down and get to [bleeping] work, you [bleep][bleep]!
Tomorrow: A special double episode -- the morning after
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PART 17
[9:00 am, the morning after the game, back in Kville. Kiki, on her cell phone, in her tent.]
KIKI: Yes Mom. … Yes, I’m studying. …No, it’s not cold. … I have to be in the tent in order to get into the game … Yes, I will … No, we don’t need any batteries. The whole place is wired. We even have internet connections! … Food is delivered right to my tent. And tonight the Goo Goo Dolls are playing right here, on the tennis courts. … Yeah, we all chipped in. … I never knew camping could be like this! …
VANESSA (from outside tent): Kiki? Are you in there?
KIKI (to Vanessa): C’mon in. I’m on the phone.
KIKI: What Mom? She’s gonna be here? … When?. … No! … Well I … All right … Bye-bye.
[Kiki hangs up]
VANESSA: Hey, what was that?
KIKI: My mother. Telling me that my cousin is in Durham today, and that I need to get her into the game tomorrow night.
VANESSA: Cousin?
KIKI: Yeah, from Kansas. She travels the country with performing group called ‘Up With Farmers.’ It’s a spinoff of Farm Aid. Sort of a cross between a Britney Spears show and Hee Haw. Up With Farmers was in Chapel Hill yesterday, and Durham today and tomorrow.
VANESSA: We oughtta be able to get her into tommorrow’s game. It’s only Stetson.
KIKI: Yeah.
VANESSA: What’s the matter?
KIKI: It’s just that she can be very … Kansan. She went to KU.
VANESSA: What do you mean … Kansan?
KIKI: For one thing, she’s like a super God person. And … I don’t know … she’s just … odd. Like, for example, last time her family was over at our house, they insisted on watching that show where Billy Ray Cyrus plays a doctor. They love that show.
VANESSA: That show gives me nightmares. Something about a doctor with a mullet …
KIKI: Yeah. My cousin is frightening in just that sort of way. She hunts, bow-hunts. She can bag her limit with a bow and arrow. She can skin a cougar in the dark.
VANESSA: Eeww. What’s her name?
KIKI: Ethylene.
VANESSA: Oh, how sad for her. Sounds like an industrial solvent.
KIKI: It is. We use it at my Dad’s company. That’s where my uncle Ed got the idea for her name.
VANESSA: Well, enough about your cousin. Tell me about last night. Did you and Wojo … you know?
KIKI: Not much to tell. We came back here to the tent. He seemed a little nervous, but things were moving along until …
VANESSA: Until …?
KIKI: Until we got interrupted by Coach K, who needed to speak with Wojo about an important matter.
VANESSA: Omigod! That is like totally embarrassing! What could be so important at that hour?
[Kiki looks away nervously.]
KIKI: I don’t know. Something important.
VANESSA: And you weren’t p.o.’d?
KIKI: Not at all. I like having an important, powerful man in my life.
VANESSA: Yeah, I hear that. Listen, I came to talk to you about something else. Something big. Our tent has an opening.
KIKI: Well of course it does, silly. Otherwise, how would you be able to get in an out of it?
VANESSA: No, I mean our tenting GROUP has an opening.
KIKI: Why? What happened?
VANESSA: Amber had to leave school.
KIKI: Amber the model from Scotch Plains or Amber the slut from Hoboken?
VANESSA: No. Amber the pre-law from Nutley.
KIKI: Rehab?
VANESSA: No.
KIKI: Pregnant?
VANESSA: No.
KIKI: Implant surgery?
VANESSA: No.
KIKI: Bulimic? Anorexic?
VANESSA: No and no.
KIKI: Sexual addiction?
VANESSA: No! Stop guessing! Her folks own this big natural remedies and health food chain. And it turns out some of their help embezzled all their savings and cash, including Amber’s trust fund.
KIKI: “Help”? You mean, like one of the maids?
VANESSA: No, more like one of the accountants.
KIKI: Wow. But her tuition is paid, right? So why leave?
VANESSA: It was her sorority. Soon as they found out she might no longer be rich, they kicked her out. So she figured, what’s the point? She went back home.
KIKI: Wow, too bad.
VANESSA: Too bad for her, but good for you. That means there’s an opening in our tent. How’d you like to join us?
KIKI: Really?
-----------------------------------
PART 18
VANESSA: C’mon, Kiki. Come join our tent. We’re a good group. None of us ever miss a tent check. No botox mishaps or any of that stuff. The closest we came to that sort of thing was when Stacey fell asleep in her tanning bed. Thank God the tent check guy found her. Saved her life. … They’re dating now.
KIKI: You have a tanning bed in your tent?
VANESSA: Of course. Wake up Kiki. Your tent is, like, the tenement of Kville.
KIKI: That’s cold Vanessa.
VANESSA: By the way, speaking of the botox thing, how is Tiffany?
KIKI: They discharged her early this morning, but she’s confined to her bed for a few days. Unfortunately, she’ll need an operation to remove the smile.
VANESSA: How awful. I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about botox for several more years.
KIKI: Me too.
VANESSA: So what do you say?
KIKI: I’m not sure. This tent is mostly my sorority sisters. I can’t abandon them. On the other hand, it would be nice to have a more reliable tent.
VANESSA: The tenting experience is really the most important part of college. You’ll spend a lot more time in your tent than you will in class.
KIKI: Is it true that you have a royal in your tent?
VANESSA: Yeah. Priscilla Henson. She’s in the Swedish royal family. Her 2d cousin is the grand nephew of King Gustav. Developing those kinds of connections is what Duke’s all about.
KIKI: Still, I’m not sure …
VANESSA: Kiki, think about it for a minute … What’s your Dad’s company’s best selling product?
KIKI: That would be our new perfume, “Phrenzy.” It’s 94.4 percent pheromones.
VANESSA: OK. Let’s say it’s ten years from now and your Dad’s cosmetics company wants to sell Phrenzy in the Swedish market. Don’t you think your relationship with Priscilla could be just the sort of connection that could make that happen?
KIKI: Good point Vanessa. I have to think about my family’s best interests.
[pause]
KIKI: OK, I’ll do it.
VANESSA: Great. I’ll draw up a contract.
[Cell phone beeps to tune of ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’]
KIKI: Hello? … OK, great. Yeah, I’ll be right over. …
[hangs up]
KIKI: Listen, Vanessa, I’ve gotta go. There’s an Executive Council meeting of the Crazies and I have to be there. Do you think Chip would be able to pick up my cousin and bring her over here? She’s at the Motor Lodge on 15-501. Wait -- is Chip even conscious?
VANESSA: I’ll get him to do it. He owes me one.
[At the executive council meeting, in the Cameron lobby]
JUSTIN: Thanks everyone for coming. As chair of the council I hereby call this meeting to order. It’ll be a short one--only two agenda items. First, Coach K loved your new cheers yesterday. Anything that mentions the fist, or “leading with heart,” or gets Vitale to mention K’s book, is good – good for K and good for Duke. For this week you need to remember that one of Stetson’s players was pulled over for a DUI last week. Remember to use that in a cheer. BUT, even more importantly, remember to stop the cheer the instant that K tells you to. That is crucial. Got it? Good. Second, Kiki has something she wants to say. Kiki?
KIKI: Thanks Justin. As you all know, recruits read the internet. As Crazies, we have to be sure that Duke basketball is properly represented on the internet. Since know one reads DBR anymore, it’s all the more important that Duke’s interests be properly represented on other internet sites. We want each council member to get 10 friends to register at the internet sites listed on this sheets I’m passing out. Each of you has a different group of sites.
JUSTIN: This comes from the top, people. The Top.
KIKI: Get your friends on these sites at least an hour a day. Look out for Duke in whatever way seems to work. Be creative. Remember. It helps us not only if Duke looks good, but also if other programs look bad. Got it? Good. Question?
COUNCIL MEMBER: I’m all for working hard and playing hard and everything. But this is a university, after all. We are here for an education, first and foremost. Do you really think that we’ll be able to find ten people who are willing to take an hour out of each day just to help the basketball program?
[pregnant pause, followed by loud laughter and scattered applause]
KIKI: Good one.
[cell phone beeps – ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’]
KIKI: Hello? Yes … right … Bob Harris? … I’ll totally be there.
Tomorrow: Meet Kiki’s cousin
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PART 19
[Chip and Kiki’s cousin, Ethylene, in Chip’s Toyota Tercel.]
CHIP: So Ethylene, you’ve come on an exciting day. Kiki’s gonna be interviewed on the Duke basketball radio program. We should make it back in time to hear it.
ETHYLENE: Oh. Good for her.
CHIP: So Kiki tells me you’re in show business.
ETHYLENE: Yes, I sing in a traveling show – ‘Up With Farmers’. Ever hear of it?
CHIP: No.
[silence]
CHIP: And you’re a college basketball fan?
ETHYLENE: A KU fan. Of course, that’s really the same thing, isn’t it? I know you have a nice little program here and all, but you have to realize that KU basketball is the most prestigious program in all of sports. No offense Chip, but Coach Roy says Kansas is the birthplace of college basketball. After all, it is OUR game. You probably didn't know that the game was invented in Lawrence.
CHIP: Well, not exactly …
ETHYLENE: You can look it up Chip. Dr. James Nesmith invented basketball in Lawrence. He was the great grandfather of one of the Monkees – yeah, same guy. Anyway, Nesmith wove the first basket out of Kansas corn stalks and made the first ball from a dead jayhawk stuffed with rock chalk. And Nesmith taught the game to Phog Allen – KU coach – who in turn taught it to Roy Williams – KU coach. So you see, the rest are mere pretenders.
CHIP: … OK … Well, KU is a good program, no doubt about that. I loved the way Roy embarrassed Carolina on that job thing a few years ago. That was sweet!
ETHYLENE: Roy did no such thing! How dare you! Except for Jesus, Coach Roy is the most honest person I’ve ever known. As sure as Moses parted the Red Sea, Roy Williams never once said he wanted the Carolina job. It was cruel and heartless of those people to even offer it to him. Darn it all to heck! … Now see what you made me do? … I blasphemed!
CHIP: Against Roy?
ETHYLENE: No! Against God. I said ‘darn it all to heck’! Oh! I said it again!
CHIP: I didn’t mean to make you cry. I was trying to compliment Roy.
ETHYLENE: I’m sorry. [sniff] It’s just that Coach Roy is so selfless and gosh darn pure. … I just can’t stand it when you evildoers criticize him. …[sniff] But instead of getting angry, I should just pray for you Chip.
CHIP: Um, thanks, I guess.
[awkward silence]
CHIP: On a brighter note, we should be able to get you into the Duke game tomorrow. You’ll love the atmosphere in Cameron.
ETHYLENE: I doubt it. We have Allen Field House. Cameron pales in comparison.
CHIP: Have you ever been to Cameron?
ETHYLENE: No.
[silence]
CHIP: Maybe we should talk about something else. I hear you grew up on a farm. So did I.
ETHYLENE: Oh really Chip? What did you grow?
CHIP: Tobacco.
ETHYLENE: I see.
[Ethylene frowns; long, awkward silence]
ETHYLENE: We grow soybeans. Or did.
CHIP: Oh, did you lose the farm?
ETHYLENE: No, no. It’s been very, very profitable for my family. It’s just that we don’t grow anything. We just collect government subsidies.
CHIP: Sweet.
ETHYLENE: Don’t judge us Chip.
CHIP: I wasn’t …
ETHYLENE: We’re not just a bunch of hicks! You may only know Kansas as the home of the World’s Largest Ball of Twine. But we’re hard-working, honest, god-fearing, freckle-faced people of the land. I remember my dad used to say, "You will never see Ed Crud contributing to that big ball of twine. Waste of good twine."
CHIP: Your last name is Crud?
ETHYLENE: Uh-huh.
CHIP: Ethylene Crud?
ETHYLENE: Yes.
CHIP: What about the rest of your family?
ETHYLENE: There's my dad--Ed Crud, my Mom--Dot Crud, my brother—Jed Crud, and me. And the three cats – Jeepers, Cheese, and Crackers Crud. Oh, and our two a s s e s, Nino and Enfuego Crud.
CHIP: A s s e s?
ETHYLENE: Yeah, you know, donkeys.
CHIP: OK, here we are, at the radio station.
Tomorrow: Kiki on the radio
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Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NewOldGuy
